Saturday circus

Wow, Okay..where do I begin to recap on last night’s shift?  Do I start with the crotchety old lady who asked for a vodka martini with a double shot?  Whatever the fuck that means.  A martini is in and of itself a double shot to begin with.  The only closer way to get just pure alcohol in a bar is for me to just pour from the bottle directly into your face hole.  And then she asks for a bigger martini glass.  Sorry, lady, that’s the size.   And it’s a FINE size, too.  It’s a good half ounce bigger than most bars to be honest.  What do you want from me?  You want cocktail glasses the size of your fucking head?  Go to Las Vegas bitch.  This is an Irish pub.

Or how about the cunt who asks me about our cocktail menu, specifically:  Which is better–The Moscow Mule, or the Dark & Stormy?  Well, I prefer the Dark & Stormy I tell her, because ginger beer is very bite-y and little too strong for me..whereas with the mule the vodka is a neutral and doesn’t do much to balance the ginger beer taste.  I make her the drink and a few moments later I can hear her talking shit about it to her husband, saying all she can taste is ginger beer.  Now, we are very generous here at my bar with our drinks.  We don’t short people.  If anything, we give a little more than we should.  So, I go over and pour her a small taste of just the ginger beer.  Here’s what just the ginger beer tastes like..go on, compare.  I’m sure you’ll find a difference.  I walk away and leave it at that.  Until I find another bartender walking away with her drink, so I interject.  I’m frustrated now.  I tell her —  it’s not supposed to just taste like rum.  It’s got ginger beer, it’s got fresh lime, all these things in play.  It’s supposed to be a balanced drink.  “Well, I know what a Dark & Stormy should taste like”.  Yeah, really bitch?  You do?  Then why were you asking me about the two drinks from the start.  You’re unfamiliar with them or you’re the Dark & Stormy expert?  Which one is it??

Then this fucking guy wants to give us a hard time because he wanted to pay for all 4 of his friends, and somehow in the mix one of them strayed from the group and created their own tab.  Okay, well, there are 3 of us back here and one is very new and still training.  Sorry about the mistake.  I’ll get you his tab.  “Well, I made it VERY clear” he says,  Yes, sorry about that, there are 3 of us back here and there was a misunderstanding.   “Well, I already paid a tab of 90 dollars.”   Okay, well I don’t know what to say about that.  What point are you attempting to make?  You wanna be a big shot and pay for everyone the shit costs money.  Do you want this guy’s tab or not? For fuck’s sake.

And for the grand finale, a regular customer threw a full on adult temper tantrum at the bar.  Well, technically she threw coasters, beverage napkins, her credit card and the check presenter.  Screaming her fucking head off because I passed her empty glass up a few times.  Well, missy…  (A) you’ve had about 7 beers which is your limit and then some.  It was probably time to stop anyway, lest we have another night with you puking on the bathroom floor.   Or have you forgotten that night?  and (B) when I tried to get you your beer, you shooed me away and said you wanted the attractive male bartender to serve you.  So which one is it????  You want me to serve you, or are you going around to his side of the bar like you said you were going to?  She’s fucking screaming about how she just spent 80 “fucking” dollars in here.  LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?  Why do people try and cry about the money they spent?  I didn’t make you do that. You purchased a product and consumed it on your own free will..why does that mean that we owe you something?? Either way, you’re a fucking embarrassment.  Get your fucking life together.